this old house...

a week after i turned 35 at carnaval, i came home from a 3-month romp in south america. salvador de bahia, brazil straight to edison-suburbia, new jersey. the same town i grew up in since i was four. the same town i left when i was 18. the same town i came back to briefly when i was 24. and the same town that i pretty much avoid when i come home for the holidays. the whole 'running into old high school friends who are toting around their offspring' at menlo park mall all but gives me hives in odd places. instead, i choose to avoid such awkward encounters by hiding out in said house that i grew up in, leaving only to head out to the city or sprint to the mailbox for my netflix dvd. the irony is not lost on me that i have been pretty much wandering the earth for 2 years alone, and here i am, right back to where my life started. 35 and back home with the parentals. if this doesn't make you face yourself, i'm not sure what does.

of course, not everything is the same. i look around now and my parents have gutted the house so much and so many times that it actually looks nothing like the house that i grew up in, except for the basic foundation and structure. (you know, how joan rivers doesn't really look like joan rivers anymore because she's had so much stuff done to her face, but you can still kinda tell it's her if you squint? yeah well, that's like my parents' house for me.) the floors are black granite (ala cheesy korean karaoke bar), the walls a burnt orange sienna (a shade just above a starbuck's cafe), and glass-block room divider/shelf things (chinese mall extravaganza, i think.) it's weird, im not gonna lie. and if i ever meet those "people who aren't really people" contractors (my mother's words, not mine) i might hit them over the head with a hammer. i'm just sayin. but, for now, it's home again.

home because, as of 2 months ago, my sister and my 3-yr-old niece also moved back in. yup, we are all back under the same roof. hello, full house. my sister took the room she grew up in, and i am in my old room. which, again, looks nothing like our old rooms, but still, talk about weird... the voices of the house linger in the walls. the random memories of growing up and playing in the halls of this house whisper in my ears. the bedroom closet where many of my dreams were born, all hover in the molecules of this house. it's comforting, if also a bit unsettling, too. unsettling because it feels like i am living with the ghosts of who i 'used to be.' facing myself everyday from the ages of 4 until 18, and 24. and although i wish i could say that i am eons and mountains different than my former adolescent self, i am finding that i am still very much... dare i say it... the same. it's just like the house, isn't it? i may look renovated and updated, shorter hair and sun damaged skin, but the foundation and basic structure, thoughts and desires are still very much the same. well, that's just terrifying, isn't it? i mean, have i not changed? have i not learned from all my life experiences? have i just been this creature of habit running the same wheel all this time, just in different landscapes?

the other day, my sister went into the hallway closet to get a towel, only to remember that my parents tore it down to expand the bathroom to fit a jacuzzi. it's been a good 10 years since that closet was ripped out, and yet, from pure physical habit, my sister automatically went to that exact spot. whenever i chat on the phone past 10pm, i feel this persistent urge to go hide in my closet so as not to get caught. i am a grown woman and yet, these thoughts are ingrained in me. so it got me thinking... or maybe spiraling.... is this it? are we all just doomed to be the same old creatures of habit? will i leave this earth the same exact person that i was when i was born?!?!

(insert anxious driven scream here)

so, in an effort to curb my anxiety about all this, i decided to investigate it a wee bit further. i realize that there are things that will always be similar and that familiarity can be a good thing because it makes you feel safe. makes you feel steady. grounded. and in grounding, allows me to wander. so i will wander now, not into the world 'out there', but into the world i grew up in and have returned to. places i have known all my life, but may offer up new lessons and adventures.... edison-suburbia-new jersey, nyc, my family, and... myself.

then and now.

...and i thought a himalayan trek was daunting. eesh.